8 things to do with your hair…

…when you have no patience, time, supplies or know-how.

1. Tie it up. Pull a few strands out at random. Hairspray that shit. You now smell like hairspray, which will make people think you’ve done an actual hairdo.

2. Sexy bedhair: Have a night of adequate sex which involves minimal sweating (too much sweat will just weigh down the hair). Don’t wash or brush in the morning. Optional: clump of dried semen fashioned into a bow shape.

3. Unruly hair? No dramas. Just stick about three thousand bobby pins in it and you have a 4% chance of accidentally creating an elegant up-do.

4. Ask people if they notice anything different about your hair. They will say yes, and you didn’t even have to do anything.

5. Any sort of head wear is your best-friend. Nobody has to know you’re bad at doing your hair if ¬†you just cover that train wreck up.

6. Beachy waves are easy enough to do at home. Fill up your sink with water and salt. Dunk and air dry. If it looks bad, you didn’t do it right.

7. If you live with someone with nice hair, ask them how they make it look so good. Maybe they have a special avocado papaya masque. Maybe they use a heat-protective spray. Maybe you cut off their hair in their sleep and sticky tape it to your own head.

8. Cut a fringe. Surprisingly easy to do and if you screw it up, you can always apply one of the previous methods to the fringe (bobby pins, hat, semen) to keep it out of the way.